In my mind, I'll fall apart

I'm going to talk about a really shitty day.

I'm failing Foundations of Higher Mathematics, and everyone I know is under the impression that I'm so smart I will pull through. I am being suffocated with their optimism(sp?).

My mother hasn't talked to me intentionally in over a week. The most memorable thing she said recently was "You should stay at your father's this weekend. I'm too busy anyway, so we'll celebrate your birthday another time. I didn't get you a present, I don't have time to run around so I'm giving you money. Its good that we'll wait to celebrate your birthday because then we can do it when I have money and time."

Sure, practicality wise it makes perfect sense. Still, it felt like a slap in the face.

I can't confess my helplessness to anyone because everyone tries to reassure me that I'm this brilliant woman who will pull through. I'm tired of hearing that I need to stay together.

I nearly broke down and cried during my Intro to Special Ed test yesterday because it was the first time all day since receiving my Foundations test back that I had the time to actually contemplate what is happening to me.

I'm a mess.

I'm forgetting my homework and when quizes/tests are coming up. I can't hold a conversation, I hate the telephone with a passion. My mother isn't talking to me and is making it seem like I did something wrong. I feel lonely, and irritated, and probably sexually frustrated as well. Its not fun at all.

I don't sleep because I toss and turn all night. I feel like yelling at someone just to make another person feel as useless as I do.

And all the while, everyone is looking to me for help and advice and to tell me that I'm so fucking brilliant I shouldn't be complaining.

I feel claustrophobic(sp?).

My roommate broke my lamp because she's an idiot. My friends don't understand the concept of planning things out. I'm so messed up I don't even have the time anymore to sulk about how messed up it is! Except for this moment, that is.

A friend of mine in my Intro to Special Ed class told me today that she thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown in class yesterday. I nearly crumbled under the pressure of taking a test (when I had studied all week!). The stupid fucking test just drew blanks in my head for the first several minutes because the only thing I saw was that out of a 180 point test I scored a 98 and 3/4.

That's 54% for those who can't calculate percentages. That means my grade in Foundations just dropped from a C- to a D.

Oh sure, what does it matter. Everyone makes mistakes.

Well I've been so fucking conditioned to be damn near perfect that this whole mess is drowning me in its garbage.

I need a fucking vacation. Or prescription. Maybe I should see a fucking shrink and tell him about all my childhood issues. I bet I'd give the bastard a field day.