"The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it."

That's the signature you'll see attached with her comments on deviantart.com.

I cried once, monday night, in a hotel bathroom in NYC. I didn't feel like I had the right to, but I did anyway. Angel, I like to think of her as a friend, passed away that morning. While I was driving to said city actually. I noticed the time, 11:11am, and it annoyed me that my day could so quickly be interrupted by my useless father's phone calls. I had no idea that was when she died.

Upon looking at her deviant account, and seeing more artwork I had missed, and this above quote, I have to struggle not to cry again.

This amazing woman helped me through my awful 9th and 10th grades of high school, where suicide was a constant thought in the back of my head. I'd like to say she confided much in me. In a way, she did.

But I know that what I could tell you of this remarkable person, could fill a puddle, whereas her life experiences and accomplishments span greater distances than oceans.

I miss her. I wish I had had the opportunities to talk to her more recently, but I didn't. And now she's gone.

The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it. I'd like to think that what she exchanged, made her proud of those decisions each and everyday. Because I am.

Letting It Out, ... Somehow

I have been devoid of emotion so much lately it's ... ridiculous. And when I'm not empty I'm angry. That's it, two extremes.

Some things that I have been upset about, I couldn't fix. It was mostly anger at myself for being unable to stop my friend from being a stupid fucking idiot with her life. She's working on it though, ... at least she thinks she is. I know I can't do anything but be there when she falls or when she stands up. It's ... frustrating. I know she is mad at me currently, for backing out on a trip we were supposed to take over spring break. I don't care though. I couldn't go with her, I was too mad.

I hate talking until I'm blue in the face and being unable to convey my point. I have spent the past two days fighting with my boyfriend and I have yet to have him understand where I'm coming from. Every time I try, I end up making it worse.

I had a very bad week. I was upset with Jenny (friend I referenced to above) and drained from the amount of work I had to do. I just went and went all week between classes and work and Phi Sigma Pi meetings. My birthday is tomorrow and I still haven't heard from my father in three weeks. I haven't seen my boyfriend all week outside of lunch except for one afternoon (one hour really) together in my room, in which I fell asleep. Go me, I'm such a fucking ass.

Apparently I have been sending mixed signals for, well, weeks now? That what I say and do contradict each other. I'm not sure how yet. But I've been doing it.

My boyfriend has been ... overzealous in so much lately. He's been mad that we haven't seen each other, and mad that I "am not honest and open" with him.

I tried, last night, to make him understand that I've been busy and tired, and that he hasn't done anything wrong. I haven't been mad at him or anything. I asked him to relax, and calm down because he was overreacting. I also asked him to stop saying certain things to me. All week I've been told things like "I don't want to be a burden" or "If you want me around" or "I don't want to ruin class for you" and every sentence like that feels like a slap in the face.

What I tried to say, didn't work at all. I've gone from not being "honest and open" to also considering my life seperate of his and that he is my last priority.

I'm so used to going, and being independent. I have goals and obligations, and I tried to explain that I have a life. That he is a part of that life, but that he is not my whole life. I guess I just fail at everything.

He's mad at me. I'm mad at him. I feel exhausted and worthless. Oh sure, he says he loves me. He says he wants to make this work. But I am constantly being asked "do you think I'm worth it?" and "do you want me?" ... if I didn't want him why would I still be in a relationship with him? He throws out these random questions, accusing me of not caring and not loving him enough and being scared and I can't take it.

He doesn't believe me when I say I care. He doesn't believe me when I say anything anymore!

I feel like I can't say anything right. That I shouldn't be angry, that I should devote myself to this guy. But I can't, I can't revolve myself around someone just so they're happy with me.

I feel so empty. I feel like nothing matters. That no matter how hard I try, I will never be good enough for someone. That in the end, I really am incapable of making someone happy.