In my mind, I'll fall apart

I'm going to talk about a really shitty day.

I'm failing Foundations of Higher Mathematics, and everyone I know is under the impression that I'm so smart I will pull through. I am being suffocated with their optimism(sp?).

My mother hasn't talked to me intentionally in over a week. The most memorable thing she said recently was "You should stay at your father's this weekend. I'm too busy anyway, so we'll celebrate your birthday another time. I didn't get you a present, I don't have time to run around so I'm giving you money. Its good that we'll wait to celebrate your birthday because then we can do it when I have money and time."

Sure, practicality wise it makes perfect sense. Still, it felt like a slap in the face.

I can't confess my helplessness to anyone because everyone tries to reassure me that I'm this brilliant woman who will pull through. I'm tired of hearing that I need to stay together.

I nearly broke down and cried during my Intro to Special Ed test yesterday because it was the first time all day since receiving my Foundations test back that I had the time to actually contemplate what is happening to me.

I'm a mess.

I'm forgetting my homework and when quizes/tests are coming up. I can't hold a conversation, I hate the telephone with a passion. My mother isn't talking to me and is making it seem like I did something wrong. I feel lonely, and irritated, and probably sexually frustrated as well. Its not fun at all.

I don't sleep because I toss and turn all night. I feel like yelling at someone just to make another person feel as useless as I do.

And all the while, everyone is looking to me for help and advice and to tell me that I'm so fucking brilliant I shouldn't be complaining.

I feel claustrophobic(sp?).

My roommate broke my lamp because she's an idiot. My friends don't understand the concept of planning things out. I'm so messed up I don't even have the time anymore to sulk about how messed up it is! Except for this moment, that is.

A friend of mine in my Intro to Special Ed class told me today that she thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown in class yesterday. I nearly crumbled under the pressure of taking a test (when I had studied all week!). The stupid fucking test just drew blanks in my head for the first several minutes because the only thing I saw was that out of a 180 point test I scored a 98 and 3/4.

That's 54% for those who can't calculate percentages. That means my grade in Foundations just dropped from a C- to a D.

Oh sure, what does it matter. Everyone makes mistakes.

Well I've been so fucking conditioned to be damn near perfect that this whole mess is drowning me in its garbage.

I need a fucking vacation. Or prescription. Maybe I should see a fucking shrink and tell him about all my childhood issues. I bet I'd give the bastard a field day.

Spelling Errors

I just realized how many spelling mistakes I made in my last blog. Of course, I'm sure the other past posts are just as sad. I guess I could try and blame exhaustion, since I do believe I've been writing these things rather late at night. Hopefully this one will be better, since it's only 2.37 in the afternoon.

I've been thinking about getting a mic and recording videos instead of just typing my random thoughts out! Thomasy does it all the time, though I'm sure he has more viewers than I do. In fact, I'm not even totally sure what I'd talk about!

Then I thought it'd be neat to make music videos. Just shove random video bits together with music for the hell of it. Of course, I don't think I have the time or patience for that, but it's still a neat idea.

Mostly, I think I want to feel like I am accomplishing something by not doing anything in particular at all. Homework can only get you so far before you want to throw yourself off a cliff.

Maybe this is my wake-up call to focus on something more meaningful than silly exam results.

Now if only I could convince my muse to return, and begin really writing again ....

Looking Back

I decided that I needed to write about my sentimental emotions. I recently emailed my old high school teacher with helping tutoring a student of mine. He's my favorite math teacher in existance, and I knew that if I couldn't solve a problem, he could.

He was so interested in helping me, and even discussed the concepts with my other high school math teacher. I have been suddently reminded of how much I miss those two. Especially Mr. M, he was the reason I knew I wanted to teach math. I would love to be as great a teacher as him when I'm older. Its his experience, I know, that makes me so great.

Emails between the two of us have made me want to blurt out all my own plans in college to him. He's like, the grandfather I never had, or rather, the one I can't remember since my pappys past away when I was little. I feel like I'm on this new level with my old teachers. I learned everything I could from them, and they realize that, and how me in almost a collegue view since I am a prospective teacher.

I am really excited about the future, suddenly. I can't wait to be in Mr. M's position, and (hopefully) have old students emailing me and asking me questions and telling me about all the exciting things they want to do with their lives. Cuz I'll be damned if I don't let them spill all their educational plans.

-sighs-

Decisions on Majors

I am in no way referring to Major League Baseball. Sorry to dissapoint the fans.

I've decided striving for a Bachelor's Degree in Mathematics of Education isn't enough. The Degree is not the same as a Bachelor's of Mathematics. This Degree is only good for being a teacher. I decided that isn't enough. What if I suddenly decide that teaching isn't for me? I will have to go straight back to college to get a different Degree in order to hold a job. No thanks.

So I looked over the requirements and concluded that if I take an extra semester before graduating, I can complete the courses need for a Bachelor's of Mathematics. I told my parents about it, my father was thrilled, my mother was more concerned about her birthday. I guess I should also remember that they have no say in what I do. I am responsible for all my finances now. Everything owed to Kutztown University is in my name. All the loans, etc, lack a co-signer. Whoopie.

So I am (hopefully) going to graduate in the Fall of '10 with a Bachelor's Degree in Mathematics, a Bachelor's Degree in Mathematics of Education, and a full certification to teach by PDE. The joys of life.

Now I just have to worry about GPA, Praxis I and II, tutoring, student teaching, etc. The list goes on and its rather dull.

But at least in two and half years I can walk away from this damn place, two degrees, certification, and a job (cause seriously, who teh hell wouldn't hire me?). I will owe my parents nothing financially. I will be my own provider, from then on out. Its amazing really.

Wish I had a fucking time machine.

Someone Reminded Me

I supposed it is not a very nice thing to do, ignoring one's blog. Rather rude actually. However, I'm sure everyone will forgive me, since I have soooo many admirers.

Really, it was good to be reminded of this place. It is only my second post but the act of typing out thought that doesnt involve school work and doesn't need to be criticized by others is well, fascinating and lovely. Of course there isn't much to talk about really. At least, nothing defining of who I am. I can blather on about others, that might be a way to define me. But not a way that I would find overtly pleasing.

Time has been ticking by extremely fast. I've decided that I'm simply being carried away through its currents, and I find it not completely discouraging. Actually, it almost fills me with excitement to know that the days can pass so easily for me now when my life used to drag on so slowly. I don't fear that I'm losing anything, memories or moments or anything of that particular sort. Its mostly a calming feeling, to see my life passing so ... well ... I can't really find the word to describe it. Its just calming to see it actually passing, the flow of it is almost tangible.

Enough garbage for one night!